Dont Lose Your Wallet

Here's what i had in my wallet and why i need to glue my wallet to my butt cheek

1. campus access card

why i need it: form of identification, meal points aka my only way of acquiring sustenance

difficulty of replacing it: easy. go to eigenmann, charge 20 bucks to my bursar, use my old picture, go upstairs to activate the card immediately instead of waiting 6 hours, done deal.

2. debit card

why i need it: only form of money i have. i realize now that i also had my atm card in my wallet which can be used to get cash when i should have put it somewhere safe in case i lose my wallet...hindsight is 20/20. also, thank god for bursar. if i really need something from the school chances are bursar is a form of payment. sorry mom and dad...

difficulty of replacing it: easy. if you have id. which was in my wallet. i called chase and asked if they could send me a new one and they said sure. but when they asked for an address and i said wilke instead of the CT one they had listed, the man with the indian accent said i couldnt switch addresses over the phone and would have to physically go to the bank. FINE. so i went to the bank and the nicest woman ever was there, listened to my story, and said if i had my school id (which i had recently acquired) and could answer a few questions to verify that i was actually zach marcus, i could have a new card mailed to me in like 10 days. so overall, id give this a medium

3. both of my keys to wilke. one is a metal key thats for the elevator and for keying the floor you want when youre in the elevator. its also your mail key. the other is a card that looks like my id which opens my room and if you happen to be trying to get into wilke after midnight, you need that plastic piece of shit to physically get into the building. ive spent many a night plastic-piece-of-shit-less, waiting outside the locked door for hours, praying for one of the 200 people in wilke south to have to leave their room at 2 in the morning and come down to the first floor so i can flag them down to open the door so i can go to sleep. its extremely annoying, beyond humiliating and ive found myself making deals with God so that He'll wake someone up with an insatiable craving for something at the Village Pantry down the street so he/she will have to run into my sorry ass.

why i need it: to navigate wilke south

difficulty of replacing it(them): the metal key costs $50 and the plastic piece of shit costs $45. i taped my door open (there is absolutely nothing valuable in my room) so i dont need the plastic guy for my door, but i do need it for my late night returns. as for the metal one, i can always bum an elevator ride off someone else who happens to be using it the same time as me, but there's not exactly a lot of traffic going in and out of wilke.

you cant say wilke without "key". youll also have a hard time getting in without one. i guess thats good in terms of security...

4. license

why i need it: ID. it also sucks to get pulled over without one.

why i need it before march 12th: im flying home and i dont have any other form of ID. my moms going to mail me my passport (god dammit i need a metal key!)

difficulty of replacing it: seeing as i live in CT, im still trying to figure that one out. im probably just going to do it when i go home for break.

thank god thats it. aside from, like, a cvs card and that TIS rewards thing. i think im going to make myself a skin wallet. and by that, i mean im going to have a flap of skin that i put all my wallet stuff under and then, idk, fasten a zipper or button or something. while that sounds like the most painful and disturbing shit ever, if it meant never having to go through the process of regaining my money, identity, and access to where i live, im down.